My disease can be my superpower
Greetings all. I know, it’s been way too long. Well, I’m finally doing well enough to actually write again. It took two cortisone injections in the head and a new daily migraine medication to give me at least half a day of relief and it has been wonderful! I mean, the last few days have been wonderful in that respect, but I do still get regular migraines, just not as intense and not first thing in the morning. It was all just in time too because I’d hit a special low in my depression.
I don’t think depression is always this dark place where it’s raining and clouds are overhead all the time. I feel depression can be the difference between fighting for help and acceptance. Once I accepted this was life I questioned if this was worth it. Was laying on the couch watching everyone else live their lives from afar while I was stuck writhing in pain feeling guilty for being such a burden to my family worth it? I felt like I was one foot out the door as I sat on the couch staring at it from 20 feet away.
I had aspirations though. I aspired to make it to bedtime every day because the one thing I wanted more than anything was to sleep. I looked forward to it the second I woke up every morning and I’d walk through the day marking each hour or daily milestone that got me closer to bedtime (picked up child 3 from school, X amount of hours till bedtime). Sleeping was the only time I didn’t hurt or feel guilty. I aspired to dream and that was the only place I could really live. That’s what not getting help from my doctors did to me. Even though things felt hopeless, and I’d accepted this as being my forever life situation, my insurance change had already set things in motion and it was about waiting for each appointment to get here. I was both terrified of hoping and wanted to hope at the same time for a doctor to help me. I met my new Neurologist who didn’t just help, he WANTED to help.
The reality is, my family needs me more than they’ll ever feel burdened by my disease. Moreover, my kids are far more important to me than any depression and there is nothing that will keep me from seeing these boys grow up strong, healthy, and have families of their own. I’m sick, I will always have this disease and I will not always be able to write or do what I want. I may lose readers but that’s the nature of this disease and that’s life. What matters most is that we don’t give up. What matters is that we see the value in ourselves, even if others don’t because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not always stay lit, but sometimes it’s our job to make that light for ourselves and others. We are not all sick because of Karma. Sometimes we are sick to teach and to learn. As much as this disease has hurt me, I feel it’s a privilege to have because I can be there for others who have it and that’s invaluable. You never know who you can talk off the ledge by just being there, being an advocate, through educating people, or just by telling your story.
Your disease can show you that you have super powers. Every time it knocks you down and you get back up, it shows how powerful and amazing you are, even if other people don't want to admit it. They generally don't because they're too intimidated to. We can make people who are not sick feel badly about themselves because they don't always know how they get through the day being "well" let alone how others do it with a chronic disease. That's not our fault. We are awe inspiring. None of you should ever forget that.
I have to get going everyone. I have a messy house to clean, now that I can actually clean and I have to prepare for my Raiders team today. It’s gonna be interesting since I made a formal complaint about the Colonel yesterday. I can write about that later. I’m gonna leave you with a song. I hope you all like it because if most of us with chronic illnesses had another name, what would it be? I mean, if people could really see what we're made of. Fighter? Beast mode? Stronger? Click on the link.
I don’t think depression is always this dark place where it’s raining and clouds are overhead all the time. I feel depression can be the difference between fighting for help and acceptance. Once I accepted this was life I questioned if this was worth it. Was laying on the couch watching everyone else live their lives from afar while I was stuck writhing in pain feeling guilty for being such a burden to my family worth it? I felt like I was one foot out the door as I sat on the couch staring at it from 20 feet away.
I had aspirations though. I aspired to make it to bedtime every day because the one thing I wanted more than anything was to sleep. I looked forward to it the second I woke up every morning and I’d walk through the day marking each hour or daily milestone that got me closer to bedtime (picked up child 3 from school, X amount of hours till bedtime). Sleeping was the only time I didn’t hurt or feel guilty. I aspired to dream and that was the only place I could really live. That’s what not getting help from my doctors did to me. Even though things felt hopeless, and I’d accepted this as being my forever life situation, my insurance change had already set things in motion and it was about waiting for each appointment to get here. I was both terrified of hoping and wanted to hope at the same time for a doctor to help me. I met my new Neurologist who didn’t just help, he WANTED to help.
The reality is, my family needs me more than they’ll ever feel burdened by my disease. Moreover, my kids are far more important to me than any depression and there is nothing that will keep me from seeing these boys grow up strong, healthy, and have families of their own. I’m sick, I will always have this disease and I will not always be able to write or do what I want. I may lose readers but that’s the nature of this disease and that’s life. What matters most is that we don’t give up. What matters is that we see the value in ourselves, even if others don’t because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not always stay lit, but sometimes it’s our job to make that light for ourselves and others. We are not all sick because of Karma. Sometimes we are sick to teach and to learn. As much as this disease has hurt me, I feel it’s a privilege to have because I can be there for others who have it and that’s invaluable. You never know who you can talk off the ledge by just being there, being an advocate, through educating people, or just by telling your story.
Your disease can show you that you have super powers. Every time it knocks you down and you get back up, it shows how powerful and amazing you are, even if other people don't want to admit it. They generally don't because they're too intimidated to. We can make people who are not sick feel badly about themselves because they don't always know how they get through the day being "well" let alone how others do it with a chronic disease. That's not our fault. We are awe inspiring. None of you should ever forget that.
I have to get going everyone. I have a messy house to clean, now that I can actually clean and I have to prepare for my Raiders team today. It’s gonna be interesting since I made a formal complaint about the Colonel yesterday. I can write about that later. I’m gonna leave you with a song. I hope you all like it because if most of us with chronic illnesses had another name, what would it be? I mean, if people could really see what we're made of. Fighter? Beast mode? Stronger? Click on the link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_c_n0A3BFVE
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